Peter Griffiths Rural Roots Column 2000

How To Deal With Criticism

Rural Roots May 7, 2000

When people criticize, they certainly think they are right about what they say. But, often they aren't.

People criticize for many reasons. They may be angry at upset at something, at you, or even at themselves. They may be in a bad mood. They may want to prove how smart they are, or how important they are to others. They may want to build up their own self-esteem, or self-importance. Or, perhaps, they may criticize just because they get a rise out of bugging other people.

Why someone criticizes you doesn't matter. But, it's VERY important what you do in response to that criticism.

There are four possible ways to deal with criticism.

CHOICE ONE: You can stand your ground and criticize back, hopefully harder and meaner.

CHOICE TWO: You run away, hide, clam up, and feel very hurt.

CHOICE THREE You can take a time out, go for a walk, make some notes to help you in the future, jot down what you might want to deal with later, or talk with others about the problem.

CHOICE FOUR: You can stay put and skillfully disarm your opponent. You take the wind out of their emotional sails, and helping them feel understood by you, at least to a little degree. This is often the hardest to do, but is the best one to try.

So, how to you apply these choices to family relationships.

CHOICE ONE - FIGHT BACK

This only increases the fighting. Even if you are right, and have evidence to prove it, the other person won't likely listen. Stop fighting them. Change the topic. If you want, write down your facts and your knowledge of the situation. Later on, you might give it to the person, in an envelope, and ask them to look over it later.

CHOICE TWO - RUN OR HIDE

Running away will work for a while, but won't solve the problem. All you will do is keep running away from it. And the longer you bottle in hurt feelings, without sharing them, the more harm they do to you. When you do feel hurt or put down by others, it is easy to assume that you are responsible for their behavior (which you aren't) and end up wallowing in emotional pain and self-pity.

CHOICE THREE - SAFETY SPACES

Take a time out. Go for a walk. Talk to someone who is completely neutral to the situation. Also write down the issue on a piece of paper for yourself, then put it in an envelope, seal it, and put your name on it, together with a date three or four days from now. When it comes time to read that note from yourself, you will likely be able to assess the situation more objectively.

CHOICE FOUR - DISARMING

This choice is difficult. You have to stop fighting the other person's criticism and try to understand where he or she is coming from.

You disarm a critic when you find SOME WAY to agree with SOMETHING in what they've said. You don't argue right or wrong, win or lose, correct or not. You focus on the other person's perspective, and agree, at least on the fact that his or her opinions and views are important for him or her. Find some way to agree with some thing, however little, that the person said.

"Yes, I can see that it bothered you when.," or "You're right, I might have been able to handle that better".

Once someone who is criticizing you feelings you are hearing them, they tend to reduce the intensity of the criticism.

The other person may want to argue back. But, choose not to fight back. Acknowledge his or her feelings, but don't slip back into the battle.

Even if the other person attacks you in hurting ways, say the following to yourself: "The only person I can hurt is myself. I know what I am like. If that person chooses to think differently of me, he or she is losing a chance to really get to know a great person, me."

CHOICES THREE and FOUR take practice, and can be learned. CHOICES ONE and TWO will happen automatically, if you don't stop them. What choice do you want to make when you are criticized?