Dealing With Alcoholic Mother
Western Producer January 16, 2003
Q: My mother is an alcoholic and has been my whole
life. Two years ago, when I was 17, she put me in the hospital
from her physical abuse when she was drinking. Because of
this event, she finally realized she had a drinking problem
and quit drinking.
I moved out after that, and lived with a friend, completing
my last year of high school by working two part time jobs
to support myself. When I graduated I decided to move to
a different province because of unhealthy relationships
with my family and my boyfriend at that time.
I don't know how long my mother was sober. I told her
that if she ever had another drop of alcohol, she would
not have me as her daughter. I wasn't happy that her sobriety
came at my expense, after years of abuse, hunger, loneliness
and poverty. But I was happy that she seemed to have kicked
the habit after 17 years. Since moving away I've had time
to reflect on my life and the things that happened. I thought
I had moved on from it.
Two weeks ago, I called an old friend to wish her happy
birthday, knowing that my mother was there, visiting her
mother. When I heard my mother talk, I knew she was drunk.
When I confronted her about it, she screamed at me saying,
to leave her alone, and that it was none of my business.
I didn't know what to do. I am hurt, angry and bitter.
I have two sisters, both of whom have issues of their own
due to our childhood. I haven't talked to my mother since
she e-mailed me saying that I fabricate things and that
she doesn't have to deal with my threats of ruining her
life. When I try to call my little sister, who still lives
at home, my mother doesn't answer the phone.
I am now distancing from all of my close family members,
because I do not want to upset their lives with this news
of her return to drinking. I feel responsible for their
happiness and my mother's.
I cry a lot and feel depressed. I am starting University
shortly. I can't concentrate at work and find myself sleeping
a lot. I don't have any motivation to exercise or go out
with friends. I don't know what to do. For the first time,
I am not pushing the issue away, but am trying to deal with
it. But I do not know where to begin.
A: Get involved with either Al-Anon, or if you
can find a group in your area, Adult Children of Alcoholics.
Others who have been through something similar will understand
your turmoil and pain, and sharing helps to ease pain.
You are obviously a strong person. You found a safe place
for yourself when you left home. Instead of running away
from life, you chose to use your energies in positive ways.
Unfortunately, many other teens end up following the same
unhealthy patterns they hate seeing in their parents.
It's too bad your mother has the classical symptoms of
abuse and addictions: minimizing, blaming and denying. Besides
abusing herself, she is also abusing you and your sisters.
You have the right to feel safe emotionally. This may involve
not having any contact with her for some time.
You can't control her drinking, and she may also not be
able to either. I'm not making an excuse for her. I'm just
saying that some people can't cope with sobriety because
it demands they be responsible for themselves. People with
addictions often run away from facing themselves and from
responsibility.
I understand your concerns about your little sister. Are
you able to write to her? Do you have friends or contacts
in your hometown, who would be willing to pass on letters
or e-mails to her? Do you think your sister is able to emotionally
protect herself at home?
If your town has an addictions program or a mental health
program she can some emotional support. The addictions program
in your city, or Al-Anon could give you some contacts to
pass on to her.
It is healthy, not selfish to feel responsible for yourself.
Focus on this. Alcoholics often want you to be responsible
for them, even for their being angry at you, and their anger
becomes an emotional trap that is hard to escape without
outside help.
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