Peter Griffiths Western Producer Column 2001

Learn To Express Feelings

Western Producer April 19, 2001

Q: My eldest sister invited a guy over to our house. He brought two other guys. Another sister went out with one of them. I didn't want to go out with the third, so I told him I was seeing someone.

My sister married the first guy. Their best man was the guy I hadn't wanted to go out with. But, whenever my future brother-in-law visited, this guy came as well. I couldn't get rid of him. He'd cry and say he couldn't find a girl to go out with. He was kind-hearted, a good worker and good to me.

I married him, but didn't like him. I never undressed or took a bath in front of him. He always wanted to go out and play cards. I couldn't stand going with him. It was a hard life. He died some time ago. I don't think I grieved much. When I was young, I never learned how to get rid of someone I didn't love.

Young adults should be counselled alone first, then together, before marriage. Couples should also have a question box to use, otherwise many people, especially women, can't speak out.

A: Your parents or sisters may have pressured you to date this man. and didn't listen to you when you didn't feel attracted to him and didn't know how to say "no" to him. When you were young, single women were not fully accepted and given many career choices in life, especially in rural areas.

You also weren't able to you get help, even after marriage, to learn to confront him with things you didn't like. If you had, perhaps you might have learned to love him, and thus have a happier marriage.

I suspect you felt uncomfortable about your body and sex. Your negative learning about sex may have come from one or both of your parents. When you were young, good information about sex and sexuality was hard to get. There are now many books, which deal with both the emotional and physical aspects of sexuality. Also, some TV shows, like Oprah or Sue Johansonn's Saturday Night Sex Show, now teach about sexuality in a healthy manner. Most cities also have counsellors trained to help individuals or couples with sexual problems.

What is love? It is not a magical feeling. Love is a decision. It is a commitment to accept and grow with someone, and care for them and yourself as well, by confronting them when that is needed.

If people went for good pre-marriage counselling, many marriages destined for failure might be avoided. But few do get this counselling, and even compulsory church sessions tend to be group rather than couple focused.

All competent counsellors see each partner alone, before they begin any counselling. Otherwise, counselling may reinforce any emotional and verbal abuse that is occurring.

Your "question box" idea is a good one. It is something that I do, in a roundabout way. I invite partners to contact me separately, between sessions, by phone, if they want to discuss issues about themselves, but if they contact me, I insist on focusing on then, not on their spouse.