Peter Griffiths Western Producer Column 1997

Dealing With Rude People Can Be Difficult

Western Producer June 26, 1997

Q: My sister-in-law is very rude. I almost bristle when I hear her speak to me or to others. The rest of her family is not like her, yet they allow her to be aggressive and put them down. She even locked herself in the bathroom at a recent family gathering when her tantrum didn't get the results she wanted.

Luckily, I only see her once or twice a year. But when I am with her, I find myself avoiding speaking with her because I don't like her lack of manners.

I think her problem is insecurity. Yet, when I attempt to find areas to praise her, such as her being a good mother to her children, she sneers at and rebuffs my "nurturing" as she put it.

A: Rudeness may be in the eye of the beholder. What one person considers to be rude, another may describe as being blunt or calling things as they are.

If she knows what she is doing, and how it affects other people, but chooses to continue with it, there is likely little you can do about her behavior. You can't change her. You can however, change how you respond and react. You can decide if you can and will ignore that rudeness. Of course, the less contact you have with her, the easier it is to do that.

Perhaps your sister-in-law is insecure. And no amount of reassurance you can give her can cause her to become confident, unless she decides she wants to. But also, perhaps she is choosing this distancing behavior because she doesn't want to be vulnerable and expose her feelings to others. Again, the more you pressure her to share her feelings, the more likely she will lock them up even tighter.

If a person is rude and blunt, the best response is to tell them openly and honestly, and bluntly but not rudely, what you like about their behavior, what you don't like about their behavior, and what you would like to see changed.

Since rude people are usually very impatient, it's hard to accomplish that in a face to face, one on one conversation. They will either put you down with some rude comment or just walk away on you. Writing a note to them may help. It may not change their behavior, but it will help you in that you will know that they have been told how you feel.

Such a note must be totally confidential. It must be factual. It needs to report what you have heard them say, seen them do, and be accurate. Include the date or time of any incident if you remember it. You need to tell them what you find offensive in their behavior, and what you would like them to do differently. You also need to clearly outline what your response will be, both if they don't change a bit, and if they make some of the changes you've asked for.

Writing such a note is difficult. People don't like telling others what bothers them. And this is especially true when it is a close family relationship, such as a parent, a sibling, or a sibling-in-law. They may get upset. They may take our their frustrations on you, by snide comments, ignoring you, etc. Only you can decide if the situation bothers you enough to do something about it. And all that you can do is let the other person know how you feel. The rest is up to them.