Peter Griffiths Western Producer Column 1995

Spouse's Smell Causes Fights        

Western Producer March 2, 1995

Q: My husband's hygiene habits leave much to be desired. I've given up on him about his brushing his teeth properly. He refuses to take a daily bath. He even throws on clean clothes to go out to a function without taking a bath. But that isn't so bad as when he refuses to change his underwear or to use deodorant unless I cause a big fight about it. And then we both go away in an angry frame of mind. I'm tired of this. I try to teach my sons the value of cleanliness. I've already taught them to use deodorant after and between baths. But my husband says I'm making sissies out of them. But he smells like a dog. I even hope he sees himself if you publish this as an article. I hope you also give your usual good advice.

A: Many creatures of the animal world don't recognize their own smells, odours or scents very well, but are extremely sensitive to those of others. People are no different. We are quick to sense odours of others, but often don't realize how we smell to others. And of course, people are all very different.

Some people, myself included, are fortunate in that they can sweat, but not smell. Others almost have to wash down with a hose after a bit of exercise. As a result, some people, myself included, never have to purchase or use deodorant. Others feel lost without it.

So if your husband doesn't realize he is odorous, he won't see any need to do anything about it. You might try finding some substances that have odours he finds offensive (crushed garlic, rancid oil, bad eggs, perhaps) give him a good smell of it and share with him that he at times is just as attractive as these to your olfactory senses. He'll argue that he never smells like that. That's when you need to tell him that although he doesn't realize his odour, you find him difficult to be around at times.

I challenge your husband's idea that using deodorant means you're a sissy. If you need to use deodorant, it's social courtesy to others around you to do so. But if you're with a group of other men on a hunting or fishing trip, who don't mind how you smell, and probably smell the same way as well, then it's okay to ignore these finer points of hygiene. But partners or the local coffee shop patrons might not appreciate having such "ripe" people spreading their odours when they return to civilization. It's good to teach your sons to recognize if they have a body odour problem, and then use appropriate means to handle it. But they may not need to use deodorant between baths unless they have very active body skin chemistry. Only they, their girlfriends and those who live with them can decide on that.

You have the right to complain about bad breath caused by poor teeth brushing, especially if your husband wants affection. Again, few people realize they have bad breathe until someone else tells them.

Be open and honest and tell him his breathe is bad, factually not judgmentally, and that you'd like him to do something about it. You have a right to tell him what you're experiencing. Nobody wants to kiss a foul mouth. I'm guilty of poor oral hygiene at times. When my partner tells me my breath is bad, I don't argue, I just gargle and brush my teeth well. Feedback on one's personal hygiene needs to be accept as fact, not personal criticism, since the only way you discover you have a hygiene problem is when someone else tells you.