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Dealing With A Clingy Friend
Western Producer April 27, 1995
Q: I recently shared an apartment with two friends of mine,
"Jane" and "Sally." We didn't know each other very well
when we moved together. At first, I was good friends with Jane, but
that friendship cooled off somewhat. I then became better friends with
Sally. But I soon realized she is a very clingy person. I value time
by myself. I'm an only child, and not used to being around a lot of
people. When a better job came up back in my hometown, I left Jane
and Sally and moved in with my parents. My friendship with "Jane" is
mending now so that's not my main concern. But Sally started calling
me long distance every day. At first, she'd talk over an hour each
time, mainly about Jane. When I'd say it was time to go, she's keep
talking and tell me to hang up first. But I couldn't hang up on her.
I did once, out of frustration, and Sally immediately mailed me a card
apologizing profusely for making me upset. Well, the conversations
continued.
Finally, my parents got involved and cut these calls down to ten
minutes. But she was still calling every day. Right now she calls about
every second day, but goes way over the 10 minute limit. There have
even been days, when she's called five times, for nothing specific.
She even calls when she knows I'm at work. And, then, she calls back
later. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I cringe when the phone
rings, hoping it isn't her.I'm scared of how she may react in our friendship
lessens.
Right now, I'm not even sure I want to continue it. I feel smothered.
I know it can't continue like this. Sally seems very unstable. She
has told me that when she was younger, she tried to kill herself. She
seems to enjoy hurting people. She has played some cruel practical
jokes. I just feel sick. I worry about this all the time. We will both
be attending the same university in the fall. I'd really like to meet
some new friends and not associate with her. I used to think it was
just a case of immaturity, and that everything would get better if
we just grew up. Now I'm not so sure.
A: Sally is the one who not only needs to grow up, but needs
to start working with a competent, trained counselor to sort out her
insecurities and clinging. Your task is remove Sally's insecurity-driven
emotional clinging to you. You can't stop her from trying to hang on
to you. But, you can pull back emotionally -from her so that it doesn't
work and you don't get emotionally enmeshed with her. Your job is to
take care of yourself and not let Sally's emotional blackmail get to
you. You have the right to decide if you want to talk to Sally. You
also have the right to decide if you talked long enough to her and
wish to do something else. By telling you to "hang up", Sally played
on her knowledge that you'd likely feel terrible guilty if you did.
Her card only reinforced this. She may not be doing this intentionally.
It may come from her unrecognized needs, including needing to control
you. But you are not responsible for Sally. You're only responsible
for yourself. Only talk to her when she phones if YOU WANT to talk
to her, not just because she phoned! Also, decide in advance what topics
you will talk about. Tell her clearly those things you won't discuss.
If she raises them, just say nothing. After a pause, She'll likely
ask, "Are you still there?" You can reply, "Yes, but I'm not willing
' to discuss that topic".
It may take a while, but she'll eventually get the message. Read
some materials on assertiveness.
I recommend two books, Self Assertion For Women, and Talking
To Yourself, both by Pamela Butler, and Asserting Yourself
by Gordon and Sharon Bower. They have many helpful ideas you can use
in dealing with Sally.
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