Peter Griffiths Western Producer Column 1985

Signs Of An Alcoholic Personality

Western Producer March 21, 1985

Q: My marriage began with an interfering mother-in-law, who saw mistakes in others, but never in her own children, and a husband who drank heavily, something, his mother didn't believe happened.

My husband has always been a quiet, shy person. I didn't notice this when I was busy with the children, but with them on their own now, or at least more independent, I sense the quietness when he is around.

His drinking has decreased recently, but he still goes on the occasional binge. When he does, I feel sick, hoping and praying that he will never do it again. I went to a counselor a few times. My husband even went twice with the children and me. But he talks carefully, so as not to give himself away or blame himself in any way. It is always others who are wrong.

From day to day, I'm not sure of who I am. I am tired and depressed all the time. I do my chores and that is all I can do. How can I feel good about myself, or about who I am, or what I am doing?

I'm too tired to go out and visit. I'm also ashamed of our home problems. It took years of arguing and crying to get to use a vehicle on my own. Yet, if I go out a little too often, my husband starts drinking again. So I don't go. I seem to be a prisoner.

What should I do when my husband walks in the door after drinking? I get so worked up when he spends scare money so stupidly, that I either go upstairs, not looking at him, or get upset and ask him why he did it. He then clams up, and that only makes things worse. He's told me he doesn't drink to hurt me, and that he still loves me. That's odd to me. I have told him that his drinking doesn't help.

I cannot change my husband, but I want to change myself. I want to become the kind of person that can let things go by, and not be so mentally exhausted.

A: Although your husband's drinking may have decreased lately, the problem is increasing, as you are becoming less and less able to cope with it. His blaming others, withdrawing, his history of being over-protected by his mother, periodic binges, and his denial, all point to an alcoholic personality.

You can remain a prisoner in your home, or you can choose to change. This means standing up for your rights, and starting to take care of yourself.

The various books on assertive that I sent you a list of, may help, but they are not enough. You need help from others.

Contact your provincial alcoholism commission. Find out where there is a residential treatment centre for spouses of alcholics is located. Go there, as soon as it can be arranged. It may involve two or three weeks from home, but don't create excuses, or accept excuses from others, particularly from your husband, as to why you shouldn't go.

Go to An-Anon. Your doctor or public health nurse can tell you where the nearest group is located. Go for yourself, not for your husband's sake or your children's sake. Al-Anon can help you to let go of your shame, and to grab onto some self-respect. And if your children are interested, they are welcome at Al-Anon as well.

As you change your old ways of reacting to your husband, and start taking care of yourself, your husband will be forced to make some changes, in response. He may or may not stop drinking. That is something you cannot control, so stop feeling responsible for his drinking.