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We Talk So Others Will Hear
Rural Roots April 10, 2005
The skills of effective talking are basic and simple, but many people don't know them, or don't practise them. As a result, they end up in many avoidable, but hurtful. conflicts and arguments.
The following ideas can help us be heard when we talk.
- We make sure a person wants to listen to us. If the other person is talking or is focused on something else, we wait until they stop what they are doing. Then, we count silently and slowly 1, 2,.
This helps us to avoid interrupting, which most people don't like happening to them. If at times, we need to share something urgently with someone like our partner or child, we develop polite, but simple ways to indicate this to them.
- We call the person by name, then, silently count, 1, 2, 3. This gives them time to realize we want to talk to them, and to refocus their thoughts away from wherever they are, over to us.
- We don't ask direct questions. This only creates tension or defensiveness in the other person, particularly if the questions come out of the blue If we have a question to ask, we say, "I wonder if you.., or "I would like to ask you something". This helps the other person to be prepared for our question or enquiry.
- We avoid opening words such as why, what, when. Instead, we use phrases like, "I was wondering… "Are you aware of ..or "Do you know anything about…"
- We also avoid words like should, never and always. When people hear these words, they tend to freeze into defensiveness and not hear anything else.
- We do not start off our sentence with the word, "you." Instead, we begin sentences with, "I". If we do this, people are usually curious about what we are going to share. When we begin with, "you" people tend to become defensive what we are going to share next. They get on guard even before we share what we want to tell them.
- When we talk, we make it clear whether we are sharing facts, ideas or feelings. It is fine to debate facts or ideas. But debating feelings often involves control issues, such as "You shouldn't feel that way."We feel what we feel. When someone tells us that we can't or should feel a certain way, we usually react defensively.
- We make some contact with the person, either with our eyes, or a gentle touch, when we talk to them. When people feel connected to someone else, in a way they are comfortable with, they tend to focus better on listening to them.
- We listen as much as we talk. We invite the other person to give us feedback on what they heard us telling them. This both acts as a check-out on whether our ideas are getting through, but also shows respect to them. Some families use a pen or pencil as a "talking stick." Nobody interrupts someone who is talking until they put the stick down on the table, indicating that they have finishing saying what they want to say.
- We avoid the normal tendency to either speed up while talking or increase our volume. These are very human habits, which cause a lot of tension. When we are talking, we listen to ourselves, and become aware of both how fast and how loud we are starting to talk. Some families even develop simple hand gestures, to let others know when they are speeding up to much or speaking up to loudly.
Most of us have no problem talking. The problem is motivating others to be interested and willing to listen to what we want to say. The above ideas can help us with that.
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