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Strategies For Dealing With Self-Absorbed
People
Rural Roots January 12, 2003
People who are preoccupied with themselves can be a challenge
to cope with. They often feel insecure, and as a result,
try to get everyone to focus on their needs. They tend to
focus on what is going wrong in life, not what is going
well. It is often hard to get them to think or talk about
anything else but themselves. There is no magic answer for
dealing with such people, but the following ideas may help"
Acknowledge the person's feelings, VERY briefly. Don't
focus on the their details of woe, but merely comment, "I
realize that is bothering you", or "I can see you are not
feeling the best today". Then, immediately change the topic.
Talk about something objective, whether it's the latest
news, what is on television, or some factual information
about something else, other than the person. It may not
change them from focusing on themselves, but it will likely
distract them for a while.
If they bring up themselves again, keep bringing up other
issues. Eventually they may realize they are not getting
the response they want.
Once you acknowledge their feelings, refuse to get caught
up in them again. You can do this several ways. You can
tell them that you got their message, but do not wish to
hear more about it at this time. If they continue, just
break in and say, "I am not interested in discussing that
topic right now", and try to bring up another topic. Speak
gently, calmly and softly.
This strategy may or may not work. Likely not the first
time! So, just repeat the exact words you just used previously,
and in the same calm tone. This is know as "the broken record"
technique. You don't get worked up. You don't add fuel to
the fire. You just calmly repeat your position, as often
as you have to. With some people this may be many times.
They may continue to bring up topics you don't want to
listen to or respond to. Tell them that, politely and clearly.
Then, don't listen or respond to what they are saying. More
than likely, they will notice you are quiet, and ask why
you aren't responding. Then, gently and calmly, remind them
of what you just told them a few moments ago, that you are
not going to respond to that topic.
A single career woman used to be constantly questioning
from her mother about her dating life. Whenever the mother
phoned her, she'd ask her if she had a current boyfriend
and if it was serious. Boyfriends and marriage were not
on this woman's mind at that point. But, no matter how often
she asked her mother NOT to bring up that topic, her mother
kept doing it. Finally the woman told her mother that she
would not reply to her if she brought up the topic of boyfriends
again. Well, within moments, her mother did. The woman then
stopped talking on the phone, but didn't hang up. After
a few moments of silence, the mother said, "Are you still
there?" Daughter replied, "Yes, mother." Mother asked, "Then
why aren't you talking to me?" The daughter said, "I told
you, mother, that I wouldn't discuss that topic." It didn't
take too many phone calls before mother stopped asking about
boyfriends.
Despite our best efforts, we have absolutely no control
over anyone else's behavior. But we can control our own
responses to that behavior. And we can choose to respond
in ways that we take care of ourselves.
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