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What Happens When You Go For Counseling
Daily Herald March 28, 1998
People often have unrealistically high hopes or unrealistically
high fears when they go for counseling. They may be hoping
for or expecting a miracle to happen so that everything
will suddenly be "all right, for themselves or for
their partner. They may also be very anxious about counseling.
They may be afraid that everything is going to blow up
in their face. Whether it's over-optimism or unrealistic
fear, such attitudes can easily sabotage any counseling
before it even begins.
The first rule when you go for counseling is to realize
that you are going there to learn about yourself, not
about anyone else in the world. Learn about yourself and
also learn about some healthy and positive things you
can do when stressful situations develop. You'll end up
being in charge of yourself, which is in reality, the
only thing in this world that you really can be in charge
of.
Counseling is not a fix-it shop. You don't get fixed,
and in particular you don't fix other people. Counseling
is a learning experience. You learn about yourself. You
recognize patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving which
aren't helpful to you or others, and you discover and
learn new ways of relating both to yourself, and to others.
Counseling prepares you for practicing these new skills,
even though, they feel awkward at first, until they become
part of you.
Learning and practicing something new is always awkward.
I have never heard of anyone who, as a child, got on a
two-wheel bike for the first time and headed down the
road in a perfectly straight line and in perfect balance.
Everyone I have talked to, spent more time lying on the
road than up on the bike the first few times they tried
to ride it.
If you do see a counselor, I would offer the following
suggestions:
- Make notes, either during the counseling session
or right after it.
- Focus in your notes on positive tasks and new ways
of approaching old problems.
- Keep your notes brief, preferably in point form,
so they can coach you as you try new ways to deal
with old situations.
- When you are about to deal with a stressful situation,
take a few moments to reflect on your notes, whether
the notes are on a card in your wallet or in your
head.
- Talk yourself up, compliment yourself, remind yourself
about the new things you have learned, both about
yourself and about how to relate to others.
- Follow through on your notes, and do what you have
prepared yourself to do.
In reality, any counselor is only a facilitator, someone
who helps you to discover yourself, learn about yourself
and make changes in your life. The importance of the counselor
is that he or she can give you new outlooks, new ideas
and new perspectives on yourself and life.
Unfortunately, because we are creatures of habit, we
seldom take on new ideas on our own. We need some outside
stimulus or pressure. Be willing to try out and practice
the knowledge and insights that you get from your counselor.
Then, in time, you can finally fire that counselor, not
because the counselor isn't good, but because you will
in effect, have developed the insight and skills you need
in order to be your own counselor.
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