| |
Four Good Words Of Advice
Daily Herald July 26, 1997
Some years ago, a First Nation's Elder sat in on some sessions of
the New Choices For Men program which I have operated for the last
12 years year in Prince Albert. At the end of those sessions, he asked
if I would like some feedback and advice. I was honored. I said, "Yes".
His words of advice surprised me, but, didn't surprise me. I probably
knew what he told me, but didn't want to admit to myself. His advice
was not meant to hurt or embarrass me, for that is not the role of
an elder. His advice was meant to educate me, help me learn about
myself, and give me a direction for the future.
What was his advice? Four simple words. "Talk less. Listen more".
That brief message has been the most helpful advice I
have every received. Now, to be honest, I don't always
follow it perfectly, even though, I know it is excellent
advice. The elder gave it as advice, not as an order or
prescription. I had to decide if I was going to learn
from it. I'm not perfect, but I'm always working at improving
myself. The more I remember his advice, the more I catch
myself needing to follow it, and the more helpful his
advice becomes when I put it into practice. When I've
chosen to share that story with people who know me quite
well, including groups that I work with, they usually
laugh when they hear it. They see that elder's wisdom.
They also see that I haven't yet got my habit of talking
too much under complete control. That advice has been
very helpful to me.
I now realize that, by nature, I am more a talker than
I ever thought myself to be, even years ago. At a 30 year
High School reunion in Montreal in 1985, I commented to
my old classmates that I had been a quiet, shy kid in
high school,. And they all laughed as well!
The elder's advice has taught me that I don't have to let nature
run its course, and that I can change. Learning about yourself is
the most important, positive thing you can do for yourself. But, because
we all have our own built-in blinders, we have to rely on others to
help us with that task. I was fortunate the elder volunteered his
feedback. Since that day, I don't jump in nearly as quickly with my
ideas in a group session. I quietly and silently count to ten, to
see if someone else will come up that same idea. And, they often do!
If you are not of First Nation's ancestry you might not have the
good fortune to be able to turn to a Elder and get such helpful advice
as I did. But the European community also has people who can, if they
are self-disciplined and don't impose their beliefs or ideas upon
you, can give you useful advice. Many senior citizens have extensive
experience in dealing with life and have much wisdom to share. Sponsors
in A.A. have had to wrestle with their own alcoholism, and in their
recovery often discovered important principles of living that go far
beyond just staying sober.
Some of the spiritual leaders in our community are excellent listeners.
If they are more interested in helping you discover your own path
of healing and growing, emotionally, mentally, relationshipwise and
spiritually, without pressuring you to join their list of "saved souls"
they can be excellent "Elders". And a spiritual leader who also practices
the motto, "Listen more, Talk less" will likely not quote you the
Bible, often with selective quotations, as a solution to your problems.
Instead, he or she will help you discover the inner presence of the
Great Spirit (or whatever name you want to use for the creative, restorative
and forgiving power) in your life and utilize its support and strength
to change and reshape your life.
It really pays in life to "Open your years" and "Shut your mouth"
at times, which is just another way of saying those four words of
advice I received years ago. I'd like you to try something. Start
to listen to yourself more closely. Note the times when you are saying
something that doesn't really need to be said. Are you repeating yourself?
Are you trying to get attention for yourself? Are you afraid that
if you don't say anything, you'll look stupid? Are you talking and
talking to really avoid dealing with the issue. Practice saying less,
and during those time that you aren't talking, listen more attentively
to those around you. When you do speak, ask questions of them so you
can better understand them? Then, I believe you will, in time discover
the value of the advice: Talk less. Listen more.
Return to 1997 Index of Daily Herald Columns |
