Peter Griffiths Daily Herald Column 1995

Men Have Feelings

It is a common belief that men are insensitive and don't have feelings. Men have deep feeling needs, but are often afraid to express them. And men tend to be sensitive about anything emotional and often react to their sensitivities with negative emotions. If they feel afraid, they believe they have to show they are strong, and put up a false front. If they feel hurt, they convert this into anger or rage. If they feel vulnerable, they close themselves. off from others. Instead of sharing feelings, they often bury themselves. in work, sports or drinking. But they have to face those problem feelings whenever they take a break from their escape.

Men tend to focus more on concrete, physical things. A man may be talented at fixing a car, but totally out of tune with his. wife and family, primarily because he's so goal oriented. Something has to be done, so he wants to get it done as soon, and as simply as possible.

Men often have difficulties with relationships, which are process oriented. Getting something done isn't as important in a relationship as being with someone and sharing feelings, dreams and hopes. But men tend to be doers, not talkers or feelers.

If they talk, it's often about what they do, not how they feel. Relationships ain't "done". They have to evolve. This takes time, something impatient goal - oriented men complain they don't have enough of. If more men understood how important it was to relax, listen and spend time with partners instead of getting things done, marriages would happier for most women. Most men look for a relationship with a woman to meet their emotional needs. There's nothing wrong with that. But unless a man also develops the skill to share emotions. and be open and honest with his partner, his success at that relationship will be limited. She cannot take care of him emotionally. He must learn to do that himself. And this. involves sharing feelings., something very difficult for many men.

Men find it difficult to reach out for help. It's often not until a major disaster strikes, like a heart attack, appearing in court, losing a job or losing a relationship, that a man recognizes his need for help. And even when he realizes this, it's as if an impregnable wall prevents him from doing so. It often takes him a long time to reach out. And if he can't do it confidentially, he may never get that help.

The first step in reaching out for a man is often to get involved in doing something. Men need "men only" functions, open to any man who wants to drop in. If they wish to talk, men have that opportunity. If they just want to socialize over coffee, that'll be fine as well. But the difference, between this coffee time session and going for coffee elsewhere in town, is that anything a person chooses to talk about there will be kept confidential by all those involved.