Peter Griffiths Daily Herald Column 1993

Possessiveness And Jealousy

Possessiveness is claiming ownership of something, an act of demanding or trying to control. Jealousy is an emotion. But behind jealousy is the emotion of fear. Jealousy is often seen as possessive behavior. Jealous people fear losing something that they have. The fear of what MIGHT happen is translated in their head into the belief that it IS GOING TO happen, and their jealous feelings turn into possessive or controlling behaviors. These behaviors are based on a fearful prediction of the future, rather than a realistic assessment the present.

Jealousy can also be the emotion of envy, wanting something that belongs to someone else. In both cases, the result is like Aesop's fable of the dog and a bone. A dog stood by a pool of water, holding a bone in his mouth. He saw his reflection in the water. But to him, it was another dog with a bigger bone. Because of jealousy, the dog barked, the bone fell into the pool, and the dog was left with nothing. Regardless of where and how it occurs, people who chose to be jealous or possessive, losing in the end as well.

Jealousy or possessiveness are wide-spread problems. Jealousy can occur anywhere, in courtship and marriage, in relationships between brothers and sisters (both as youths and adults) or between neighbours, often showing up as the "keeping up with the Jones syndrome". Jealousy or possessiveness can also create tension, stress and anger between people in work situations. They based on the belief of "I have to be the centre of attention. My needs or wants must be met. If they aren't met, whether I want success in work, to be loved, or to keep up with the Jones, it's a catastrophe and I can't cope with it."

A very dangerous belief, that reinforces jealousy and possessiveness is that you need someone to love you in order for you to be happy. It's nice if this happens, but, your survival as a person doesn't depend on it. A person, who is jealous, tends to only look at things from his or her own individual perspective, instead of looking at an issue from a team, partnership or joint perspective. This is especially true in marriage. If one person considers someone to be, his or her property, any idea or thought that this "property" might be lost leads to defensive and often very aggressive behavior.

People aren't property. A relationship does not involve ownership. It involves partnership, a sharing of lives, a spirit of equality, and a full and open respect and trust for the other person. Jealousy and possessiveness quickly destroy this respect and trust, and in turn quickly destroy feelings of love and affection between two people.

One story I tell men in the "New Choices For Men" program is that love is like a bird that needs to be free to be itself, in order to live. If you try to keep the bird in a cage, it will wither and die. You must let it go. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours in the first place.

Jealousy and possessiveness is like a cancer. The earlier you detect and diagnose it, the better chance you have to eliminate it before it becomes fatal to you and your relationships.