| |
Detach Yourself For Problem Solving
Daily Herald March 22, 1986
Detachment is a tool for dealing with problems that are too close
to you, and too great to handle if you remain involved in them.
My favorite motto about the need for detachment is:
When you are up to your rear in alligators, it's hard to remember
that the original purpose of your being there is to drain the swamp.
You cannot deal objectively with a problem if you are involved so
deeply that you yourself are, or become part of the problem. Detachment
is a very important tool for dealing with major problems in life that
involve others, such as parenting, alcoholism within the family, or
difficulties with people at work.
You will deal better with problems of life, if you learn and apply
these principles, from the Al-Anon pamphlet, "Detachment")
- NOT TO SUFFER BECAUSE OF THE ACTIONS OR REACTIONS OF OTHERS.
Too often, people take blame from others, or feel responsible
for attitudes held by other people. YOU can only blame yourself.
Nobody else has that right. You are responsible for you alone,
not for what anyone else in the world does.
- NOT TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE USED OR ABUSED IN THE INTEREST
OF SOMEONE ELSE'S PROBLEM.
Wives of battering men or spouses of alcoholics frequently allow
themselves to be abused, hoping their spouse will change or overcome
their problem.
As long as you are a punching bag (emotional or physical), the
others are not going to stop punching.
- NOT TO DO FOR OTHERS WHAT THEY CAN AND NEED TO DO FOR THEMSELVES.
A new-born baby is helpless and must have everything done for
it. If a person continues to baby (or allows themselves to be manipulated
into babying) someone else he or she prevents that other person
from having to face the world and its responsibilities.
He then ends up throwing that responsibility onto you, where it
doesn't really belong!
- NOT TO COVER UP FOR ANOTHER PERSON'S MISTAKES OR MISDOINGS.
Everyone must face their mistakes if they arc going to learn from
them.
Covering up for people, even if it is done out of love or caring,
is destructive to them, and to yourself as well.
They won't change and you will become blackmailed, forced to continue
the cover up, again and again, more often and more often, as time
goes on.
A wedding anniversary, a partner's birthday, or holidays like Mother's
Days, Father's Day, Christmas, are painful for a separated
person. These were important and meaningful in the past, even if the
marriage was in serious trouble.
They have a different meaning after separation. Instead of being
a celebration, they are a reminder of the past, and its hurts.
Separated people need to add a new anniversary date to their calendar
of events; the date they left or were left by their partner.
This is an anniversary of an ending, but also a new beginning, a
new chapter in their life. It deserves as much, if not more attention
than wedding anniversaries or birthdays.
If people have given all they could give to a marriage before they
left it, they have a right and responsibility to feel okay about themselves
and the future. Marriage is an important act in life. Most wedding
ceremonies begin with some comment such as, "marriage must not
to be entered into lightly or thoughtlessly, but with mutual respect,
reverence for God, and the intention to obey his will.
If a person enters into separation with a equally sober, realistic,
mature and spiritual outlook, then they are doing something which
needs to and deserves to be done. They are taking care of themselves.
If other people were able to understand this as well, and show support
and understanding to the newly separated person, their new and difficult
road would be much easier to travel.
Return to 1986 Index of Daily Herald Columns
|
