Western Producer July 15, 2004

I am 24 years old and have had many troubles. I need help. I have two little girls from casual relationships. When I turned 17, I was very innocent. I lived on a farm, far from town and was bussed into school. Sometimes after school, I stayed with my grandfather. He was in his 70's and needed help around the house. I often stayed in town overnight so I could visit with my school friends who lived in town. I also provided some care and help to him as well.

One morning, he molested me. He touched me, spoke dirty talk and laid on top of me. I fought like crazy to get away. Now I refuse to see him. I hate him.

My father knows about this, but won't even talk about it, or make my grandfather accountable for this awful abuse. I can't accept that fact that my father didn't side with me. I love my dad, but I now even have trouble allowing my dad to hold my little girls. I seem to relive what my grandfather did to me, every time Dad is near my girls.

My grandfather is now in his 80's. He acts so wonderful to other people. But in my eyes, he is a dirty old man.

I have a hard time trusting any man, even friends. People say I'm crazy to still be bothered by this when it happened over seven years ago. But, I don't think I will ever forget this awful feeling. I feel betrayed and worthless. Even dirtied! How do I get past this. I will never marry, to protect my babies from men. How could any grandfather do this. He should rot in jail.

A: Sexual abuse hurts a person deeply, and the longer they don't do anything about it, the more hurt grows. Casual relationships, and subsequent pregnancies are not uncommon with victims of family incest. Because a person feels they have been used, they end up letting others use them as well.

You need to reach out for help. There is information about spouse abuse and sexual abuse in the front of every Sask Tel Phone book. Check with the women's shelter in your community as well. Talk to the victims services volunteers at your local R.C.M.P. detachment.

You were betrayed. But you weren't responsible for your grandfather's action. Your feelings are related to the betrayal which destroying your confidence both in your grandfather, and more important in your father, who refused to believe you and take action.

The crime of sexual assault has no limits of expiry. Sexual assault is any inappropriate touch to a private section of a person's body. A complaint of sexual assault can be laid any time after the incident. The police are obliged to investigate the case, and the crown prosecutor will charge the person if the evidence appears to carry weight. In some situations, older men have confessed to the crime when confronted as they realized themselves that it was wrong, but were too cowardly to come out and admit it on their own, themselves.

You need counseling. You dad also needs to see a counselor to help him admit to what he does not want to face - that his father was a sexual abuser.

Once you get help and he faces up to these facts, I hope that you will be more relaxed with him, and allow him a healthy and appropriate relationship with his granddaughters, and with you.

Sexual abuse never goes away until people reach out for healing. There are excellent resources on the internet, and also a have a list of excellent books that have been written on this subject over the past number of years. "The Courage To Heal" and also books by Linda Halliday have good materials.

Sexual abuse is however not limited to men abusing girls. Men can also abuse boys. And in rare situations, women who have serious problems have also abused other girls or boys.

All sexual abuse is wrong, regardless of how or why it happens.